Parents can be strategic in this phase by shifting from direct instructions with little explanation, to instead helping them think critically so they see things from a different perspective. They want to discover new things and find where they belong, and along the way they might disagree with you on what is right. When a parent gives their student a stable place where they can openly process these things, they will feel like their thoughts matter and will be more open to your much-needed guidance for them.

You might feel like they’re pulling away: What they’re doing is taking some first big steps into independence and forming their own life, community, style, preferences, and world. This is normal and good, but for you it will feel like you have less control and connection. Instead of trying to pull them back into your world, practice becoming curious about theirs.

They can think critically: They can “connect dots” better than they could before. Encourage them to use this skill by asking them deeper questions and giving them time to answer. They might surprise you with the complexity of their thoughts!

They thrive on encouragement: When you affirm their good choices, it helps them choose better in the future! They connect your affirmation to the feelings they had when making the choice. It will provide them with a template to choose better in the future.